A list of some of the things my OCD tells me 

  • You’re contagious
  • You’re a terrible person
  • You don’t deserve your friends and family
  • You’re a shitty hamster mum (this one’s kinda jokes but it has actually made me cry before)
  • The world is infected
  • Dust is filling your lungs up
  • Everything has erosive chemicals in
  • Your food has worms in
  • Your skin has fibres in
  • You didn’t turn off that switch
  • You have an STI
  • You mustn’t touch anything
  • You’re letting everyone down
  • You didn’t brush your teeth properly
  • Your teeth are all gunna fall out
  • You’re a terrible sister
  • You ruined your sisters’ lives
  • Hey you didn’t lock that door
  • You’ve damaged someone’s belongings
  • It’s your fault that your sister died
  • You’ve lost your belongings
  • You’re a piece of shit
  • You probably have a parasite
  • Isolate yourself
  • Wash your hands
  • Wash them again
  • Now moisturise them
  • Now wash them again
  • You didn’t say bye properly to your dad before he left for work and he might die
  • Don’t trust medical professionals
  • Wash your face
  • Chug a litre of water to cleanse your insides
  • Don’t sleep – stay up and let me play you repetitive images of past trauma
  • You don’t have OCD – you’re just losing your mind

These thoughts don’t all happen everyday. Usually OCD will just throw one at me, then I’ll obsess over it in my head until I cry, or until I talk to somebody, or until I take a Valium, or until I sleep.

The OCD flare up I’ve experienced this summer has robbed me of my happiness and a lot of experiences and feelings that a normal 27 year old woman should be having.

Writing this list has returned the fire in my belly. There was a certain point where I tactically stopped being so hateful towards OCD because it’s a part of me. I was trying to be ‘kind to myself’. Perhaps I accidentally became kinder to the OCD at the same time. It doesn’t deserve my kindness, or my patience. It lies to me and it puts me down. I’m done feeling like I’m renting a room in my own mind.

For the first time in months and months, I feel strong enough to take on the OCD and try to regain control of my life. FKN TOIT.

 

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