I’m TERRIBLY BLOODY SORRY everyone, but this post is just a selfish one (heh). I hope any OCDers reading this manage to glean a little accidental titbit of collateral positivity, but I’m afraid I’ma just talk about how much I’ve suddenly improved over the last week or so (after 4 months of medication adjusting!). A little selfish part of me thinks I deserve to bask in my newfound normalness (jk I’ll never be normal mwaha). I feel pretty uncomfortable about sharing personal details in my life such as this, and I will not be sharing details about my romantic life again, but this was such a huge moment in terms of my recovery and it’s impossible to share the milestone without sharing the fact I kissed someone…
For the first time in five years, I kissed a complete stranger! This might not seem like a big deal but it BLOODY MASSIVELY IS AND I’M GUNNA TELL YOU WHY. Until the other day, I hadn’t kissed a stranger since 2014 when I was living in London (I was pretty big in the kissing game back then nbd). In the five years since (until the other day), I had only kissed three people, two of which were boyfriends and one of which I was dating. The OCD felt ‘safe’ with these three people and so I felt able to throw a little oral pathogen party. If I’m really honest, I still wasn’t really enjoying the act of kissing unless it was during sex (cus sex has a magical way of distracting you from your own head y’know?)
In the years following Ye Olde Kissing Days (circa 2014), OCD has taken a good strong hold of my nips and twisted – then bloody twisted some more – until I was completely at its mercy. The resulting fear of germs has changed my life in thousands of ways – one way being the fact that kissing hasn’t been possible at times.
I’ve had obsessive fixations about oral herpes, HPV, and hundreds of viruses in general for years. There have been nights where I’ve stayed up until sunrise researching the statistical chances of contracting a virus from human touch. Sometimes I typed ‘virus’ into Google news so that I could check for viral epidemics and then that way I could stay ahead of the viral game, and get me and my family into hiding QUICK sharp. I wasn’t able to touch my mouth for a long while, and I would wash my toothbrush obsessively incase HPV had flown through the bathroom window and landed upon it (lol who even needs science?) I couldn’t use lip balm or lipstick. At times, I’ve grimaced at the thought of human touch, and at times I have secluded myself from others completely. There was a stretch of a good few months earlier this year during which I had no physical human contact at all, and the most concerning part is that I didn’t even miss it or crave it. I just wanted to be a little island of my own with a bubble around me. Ya know like in the Simpsons movie where they have the bubble around Springfield? Except it would just be me, my dawgs, a large supply of carbs, a small number of chosen humans (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE BIG UPPPP) and an endless reel of murder documentaries.
I kissed a man I had only just met and we kissed a lot and I really bloody enjoyed it. Imagine that? Huh! I shocked myself. I won’t go into any details cus y’know – boundaries. Since the kiss, OCD has had a few cheeky little attempts to try and get in on the action (she gets severe FOMO) but I’ve mentally right-hooked her every single time, and I’ve managed not to obsess over the pathogen party I shared with a stranger. No obsessions, no compulsions. No Google searches. Nothing. I haven’t had control like this over OCD in a very long time.
It makes me feel a tiny millionth of a centimetre sad when I realise I’m a 27 year old woman and sharing a kiss with a stranger feels so thrilling (22 year old Mim would lol hard). But then I just concentrate on this year alone, and I realise what a massive victory it is. I’m back in the driving seat. Kissing a stranger completely flicked a switch in my mind, because I’ve proven OCD wrong. I kissed somebody and nothing bad happened. Now I wanna do it all the time! I can actually imagine myself engaging in physical contact and really thoroughly enjoying it. It’s like being on a little holiday in my head, except I’ll enjoy the holiday so much that I’m just gunna pack up and bloody move permanently! (I’ll do a little offering to the Seratonin gods so that I haven’t just jinxed it, don’t worry.)
Anyway, who knows what the future might bring. If I’m being real, there are probably gonna be more OCD relapses, more sleep deprivation, and more medication changes, but right now I feel excited because I’m starting to feel the most like Mim I’ve felt in a hot minute. I’m (very suddenly) beginning to get little tiny parts of my life back one by one, and and I already feel like I wanna dive back into the dating game. ALL HAIL SSRIs. And also handsome strangers who are great at kissing.
P.s. I won’t give you an update when I shag someone don’t worry…