It’s 5am in the uk and I’m currently sat stuffing my face with pretzels (aka salty bois) whilst smoll wet feeling-beads sprout from my eyes. Why in the name of sweet baby Yoda am I CRYING because I’m gunna be discharged from my weekly CBT sessions??
The last time I was discharged (after my first ever CBT experience) I felt euphoric. I was so ridiculously stoked to go out on my own into the world and boss it. AND BOSS IT I DID, DEAR READERS.
Until the relapse lolz.
So now I’ve just had my second bout of CBT with the same therapist – whom I share a very trusting and unique bond with- lol I accidentally just wrote bong and had to correct it. BASICALLY IN A NUTSHELL I’m back to my boss ass Britney sangin’ Gucci slangin’ ways. (Apart from the pretzels and the crying but we all have days off eh?)
So my sweet obsessive little peaches, whomst wanna enlighten me as to why these tears are happening on my face?! My therapist thinks that it might be fear because I know what relapse feels like now, whereas there was an element of naivety when I finished CBT the first time. Back then I skipped off towards the sunset, blissfully unaware that the sunset was in fact… an OCD relapse posing as comfort and contentment. I really really really really don’t want to relapse again, so I guess saying bye to my therapist feels like a risk maybe?
Fear isn’t something I feel very often. It makes me feel very ruddy confused and when I do feel fear it’s usually because of OCD. I guess it’s probably pretty kosher to react to being discharged with fear right?
I guess I’m just sharing a raw and confusing part of OCD recovery right now. I wasn’t expecting fear. A blog about mental illness can’t always be perfectly formed sentences and funny stories right? I have to open my laptop and write when I feel scared as well as when I feel happy huh? Sometimes I’m just trying to work out a brand new feeling, or a brand new reaction to something. You guys are basically in my head right now, reading my thoughts (and struggling over the sound of me scoffing prezzos mmm aw yisss).
My therapist and I are gunna put a solid relapse prevention plan in place when I next see her, and I hope this might put me at ease and halt my feardrops (I just made that a thing). We’re gunna concoct a step-by-step, organised plan- you can’t see me right now but I’m winking at my laptop because you know I love an organised plan.
I guess I’ll check in with a separate post about what the relapse prevention plan will consist of and whether it puts me at ease in any way. I’ll post in the meantime cus I got THINGS TA SAY.
I hope this post wasn’t too personal lollll felt scared might delete later.
Stay strong my people, we are more badass than we even know.